Any Bonsai/Monty Python lovers?

jackmickelberg(deceased)

God I'm hilarious!

Check out my "Dead Bonsai Sketch" if you like Python...


The Dead Bonsai Sketch
with great apologies to Monty Python's Flying Circus


Jack: Hello, I wish to register a complaint... Hello? Miss?

Shopkeeper: What do you mean, miss?

Jack: Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.

Shopkeeper: Sorry, we're closing for lunch.

Jack: Never mind that my lad, I wish to complain about this bonsai what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Shopkeeper: Oh yes, the Norwegian Pine. What's wrong with it?

Jack: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.

Shopkeeper: No, no it's dormant, look!

Jack: Look my lad, I know a dead bonsai when I see one and I'm looking at one right now.

Shopkeeper: No, no sir, it's not dead. It's dormant.

Jack: Dormant?

Shopkeeper: Yeah, remarkable tree the Norwegian Pine, beautiful foliage, innit?

Jack: The foliage don't enter into it -- it's stone dead.

Shopkeeper: No, no -- it's just dormant.

Jack: All right then, if it's dormant I'll wake it up. [SHOUTS INTO POT] Hello Piney! I've got some nice Miracle –Gro for you when you bud out! Wake up, Piney Bonsai!

Shopkeeper: [JOGGING POT] There it grew.

Jack: No he didn't. That was you shaking the pot.

Shopkeeper: I did not.

Jack: Yes, you did. [HOLDS BONSAI UP, SHOUTS] Hello Piney, Piney... [BANGS IT AGAINST COUNTER] Piney Bonsai, wake up. Piney. [PINCHES NEEDLES WHICH ALL FALL OFF ONTO THE FLOOR] Now that's what I call a dead bonsai.

Shopkeeper: No, no it's stunned.

Jack: Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That bonsai is definitely deceased. And when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its lack of growth was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long growing season.

Shopkeeper: It's probably a pine from the fjords.

Jack: A Pine from the fjords, what kind of talk is that? Look, why did the needles fall flat to the ground the moment I got it home?

Shopkeeper: The Norwegian Pine prefers its needles on the ground. Beautiful tree, lovely foliage.

Jack: Look, I took the liberty of examining that bonsai, and I discovered that the only reason that it had been sitting up in the pot in the first place was that it had been nailed there.

Shopkeeper: Well of course it was nailed there. Otherwise the roots would pull themselves out of the dirt and voom.

Jack: Look matey... [PICKS UP BONSAI] this bonsai wouldn't voom if I put four thousand volts through it. It's bleeding demised.

Shopkeeper: It's not, it's dormant.

Jack: It's not dormant, it's deceased. This bonsai is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late bonsai. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it in the pot, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-bonsai.

Shopkeeper: Well, I'd better replace it then.

Jack: [TO CAMERA] If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain till you're pine in the mouth.

Shopkeeper: Sorry guy, we're right out of bonsais.

Jack: I see. I see. I get the picture.

Shopkeeper: I've got a rock.

Jack: Does it grow?

Shopkeeper: ummmm… yes.

Jack: I’ll have that one then.

www.geocities.com/jacksbonsai/dead.html

(This will open it in a new window)

Attached Images

dead-parrot-06.jpg (11.4 KB, 47 views)

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