critique of number 1

Walter_Pall

I like the overall appearance very much. This is outstanding for a first styling.
The crown is well done, not at all in a cookie cutter manner. It is done in a state of the art manner. While in a somewhat triangular shape it is clearly not a triangle with straight edges and a sharp tip at the top as done in the old way. The top is round and there are NOT horizontal branches with clearly manufactured spaces where the birrd can fly through. The branches instead are bent down and out and the tip goes up a little. While there are spaces between the branches they are subtle and just about visible. These are clear features of a modern crown. (Japanese traditional vs. Western traditional) The deadwood part is done well and again not cookie cutter. I like the fact that there appears to be a big hollow on a conifer. This is rarely done but makes this tree unique.
The position in the pot is not good, but this did, of course, NOT go into the judging.

Attached Images

front1.jpg (72.9 KB, 203 views)

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best regards
Walter Pall
http://walter-pall.de
I don't design bonsai, I design trees.
Tradition is not the custody of ashes but the propagation of fire.
NEW: The endless bonsai diary
http://walter-pall-bonsai.blogspot.com/

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Walter_Pall

Can we improve this? Sure we can, we always can. At least we can play around.
In the long run there will clearly be improvements by planting into a proper pot like in number11. And, off course, the foliage will get better. But this is not realöly the subject here.

Can we improve this right now? Could the artist have done something for this contest? See number12.
Well, I think we could do a few subtle things here.
Like avoiding the straight line in the silhouette on the left side. The tips of the branches are all on one straigt line. I think it would be an improvment to shorten one and maybe elongate another. I chose to shorten the third branch on the left.
Then the crown could be even rounder and slightly wider at the top. The right side of the crown is a bit too uniform like a helmet. One could make a slight irregularity there, suggesting another layer.
The nebari is hidden by moss. Maybe there just is no good nebari. But an improvement could be to get rid of the moss at the foot of the tree.
The lowest, main branch on the left has this ending to the upside on the inner side. One could maek a horizontal ending there and thus give the branch and with it the whole tree more stability.

Attached Images

	number11.jpg (68.1 KB, 108 views)
	number12.jpg (68.5 KB, 134 views)

__________________
best regards
Walter Pall
http://walter-pall.de
I don't design bonsai, I design trees.
Tradition is not the custody of ashes but the propagation of fire.
NEW: The endless bonsai diary
http://walter-pall-bonsai.blogspot.com/

Walter_Pall

To my pesonal taste this clearly looks better already. Could we change the slanting angle? Well, we could, but I think we leave it as is.
But we could bend the upper part of the crown more upwards and to the right. Wold that be better?
I have bent the upper part by 20 degrees. Then I have pulled the lower right branch upward again. Better? I think so.

It is important to note that all these changes could have been made right there before entering the final contest picutre. And I think these changes would well be possible.

See number13 and front 1 for comparison.

Discussion of this is most welcome. Also radically different views.

Attached Images

	number13.jpg (66.7 KB, 109 views)
	front1.jpg (72.9 KB, 94 views)

__________________
best regards
Walter Pall
http://walter-pall.de
I don't design bonsai, I design trees.
Tradition is not the custody of ashes but the propagation of fire.
NEW: The endless bonsai diary
http://walter-pall-bonsai.blogspot.com/

John Dixon

Walter,

I find the virtual ( #31518 ) very appealing. Arnie did a great job with this material and his talent shows through his work. My biggest concerns with the effort were that the foliage appears to highly disrupt the balance. The tree looks like it is about to topple over to the left. While very dramatic, I just prefer a less precarious outcome. Your virtual does this with the apex, and the "lighter" looks of the branching. The other difference I had was with the jinned branch coming from the hollow. It just does not seem as natural as the hollow trunk and I cannot envision it as something more than manmade. I wanted to remove it, or at least re-work it.

Earlier I submitted a virtual to Arnie that somewhat explained what I see in it's future. I went a little too far with the expansion of the right branch (too long), but the balance I was looking for is there. I also like the inclusion of a stone in the pot immediately below the primary branch with the tree off-set far to the right in the pot. This was just my vision.

Arnie did a great job and I highly respect him for his work. I also respect you Walter for the fine critique and the virtual work you share with us. Since you asked for others' views (discussion), I've attached the same virtual I did earlier. For what it's worth.

Best regards,

John

Attached Images

Arnies.jpg (39.6 KB, 86 views)

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John Dixon

Si vis pacem parabellum

Stay off the trails of others, that's where the booby-traps are.

Victrinia_Ensor

Walter -

In reading your critique I was very struck by the significant difference your adjustment to the inner part of the left main branch made. I was suprised at the change in visual weight that such a small move could make. Granted it also had a 20 degree adjustment in the crown, but it was that one small adjustment that really changed the visual weight for me.

A bonsai is profoundly affected by the details of the tree, this was well illustrated in the little adjustments you made.

Yours,

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Ms. Vic

Le belle cose prendono tempo...

www.elandangardens.com

hansvanmeer

As i wrote before: i think this is a good creation! And because it is so good, the little details become all the more important! i am still a bit uncomftebal with this commanthing other peoples trees, but this is what i felt when i looked at this creation for the first time. Because the tree was shot against a black background it is easier to explaine what i mean. Because of the pointhing down angle of the left bottom branch (see pic), the negative space there is traped, and axtualy is pulling the tree to the left! I will try to explaine: when the eye follows this importand branch, that disides the vieuwing movement of this tree, you will get a strangs feeling off disbalance, because it disapears in to the ground! If you look at the second pic. you can inmidiatly see and feel the sudle diferance, by just making this branche more horisontle, it is like it is leaning on the negative space that you creat underneath it!
The tree seems to be muts more balanced with out losing the good balacing act design the artist was after. This way it is also mutch easier to show it with a small plant or stone on the left, because the open space will flow to the left and leeds your eyes to them, if the branch stays like it is now (pic 1), you need to show it in a higher pot and on a high table, because off the angle of that first branch! Just imagion a plant or rock on the left some where. The right jin plays a nice part dividing the right hand negative space, if this is not there anymore, all this negative space would push the tree to te left again! I know this is a strange way off looking at trees to some, but it is a good way to explaine way some thing happend when we look at bonsai or any artform for that matter. this sudle chanches are easely missed during a first styling of a bonsai, when your head is full of more important and bigger things, so once again this was a good first styling and i hope to see how this bonsai will develope in the future!
Best regards,
Hans van Meer.

Attached Images

	front1.jpg (53.6 KB, 53 views)
	front 1 hans.jpg (54.7 KB, 59 views)

Arnie

Thank you Walter for such a detailed critique, and John and Hans for your input. This tree is now spending the winter in my greenhouse and will hopefully respond by pushing new growth this Spring. I plan to leave it in the patio pot and just let it grow and recover for the next few years. I will adjust the crown to the right as Walter's suggestion.

Best Regards
Arnie.

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Where theres a will theres a way

hansvanmeer

Morning Arnie,
Protection and rest are good, give it time and make shore you keep on disigning your trees in your own styl. It is allways good to listen to advice, but stay true to your on idears. You have a talent here! Dont lose it! I am shore Walter and John will agree, orginality is a important thing in Bonsai!
Happy new Year, i'm of to work,
Hans van Meer.